Elianna, on 2014-January-20, 22:25, said:
I think that it's a two-edged sword:
People (like you) are trying to be helpful by giving the OP advice on things she can do to try to minimize the pain that she is feeling. However, sometimes advice can sound like "if you didn't/don't do this, then you deserve whatever you get", which sentiments I think that we can all say we would disagree with.
I don't have a solution to this, because tone is hard to read online, but I do wonder if GreenMan is reading the second thought into what you said, whereas you intended the first.
ok I am likely to bring the wrath of everyone down on my head, but to some extent I do believe that if someone doesn't do
what she or he can to rectify a situation then they do indeed take some responsibility for
continuing to be in that situation.
An analogy would be someone in a burning house waiting for a fireman to come in and carry her out when she was perfectly able to walk out on her own, and complaining to people that the firemen were taking too long, or had soot on their clothes. I don't expect them to put out the fire but I do expect people to take some responsibility for themselves.
This appears to be a politically incorrect way of viewing things these days when it seems that no matter what it's always someone else's fault or someone else's responsibility. I was raised to think otherwise and still do, for any number or reasons. This is not to blame anyone for getting INTO a situation in the first place, just that they do hold some responsibility for doing what they can..it may be nothing or it may be a lot..to get out of a bad one.
I once worked with a woman who had been so badly hurt by her boyfriend that she had been in intensive care for some time with the outcome in doubt. It was not the first time she had landed in hospital because of his attentions, but it was the latest, and worst. She was living with her mother, who was also working in camp. She was frequently talking about/trying to justify going back to her boyfriend.
There are so many people who can make positive use of help that I personally don't have the energy/time to spend on people who can't or refuse to help themselves or even make use of the help they are given. There are professionals who are paid to help such people, and I suggest to such people that they find a professional to help them. T'aint me, and frankly, I don't know how to sympathize with those people without in some way validating their disfunction. I've no interest in trying to help someone who will try to drown me in the process of rescuing them.
Luckilly, such people are very much in the minority, and most people can/do benefit from help that's offered, and will make use of whatever help is appropriate to help themselves.