Help
(rewritten for Bridge Base Online's new Translation Project, with apologies to Fred and Uday, who I know will make sure this does NOT happen. Apologies to Hungarians too, actually--the Python boys picked a nationality at random I am sure.)
Set: Split screen, each with a person intently looking into a computer screen, fingers on keyboards.
Text on screen:
In 2004, the Internet lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the infohighways - many of them Hungarians (not the infohighways - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into online sites to play bridge....
A Hungarian bridge player logs on to BBO and enters a multilingual tournament, using the BBO phrase book. Soon the Director is called.
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Director: Sorry?
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Director: Uh, no, no, no. This is a bridge tournament.
Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this *bridge tournament*, it is scratched.
Director: No, no, no, no. Bridge...um...card game.
Hungarian: Ya! Card game! Ya! Uh...My hovercraft is full of eels.
Director: Sorry?
Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes shuffling cards)...is full of eels (pretends to play a card).
Director: Ahh, a hesitation!
Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Director: Here, I don't think the translations are quite right.
Hungarian: You great poof.
Director: I'll look at the board and adjust if necessary. Please continue.
Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I...I am no longer infected.
Director: Uh, may I, uh...(accesses BBO phrase index)...Play on and I'll adjust later...ah, here we are. (types Hungarian words)
Hungarian player explodes in lobby messages of great concern, unfortunately only understandable to Hungarians.
Meanwhile, a policeman on a quiet street with a large badge with the name Uday cups his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tournament.
Uday: What's going on here then?
Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.
Uday: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!?
Director: He hit me!
Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime. (points at clerk)
Uday: RIGHT!!! (prepares to expel Hungarian from site)
Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight!
(scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and judicial robes, except publisher and cop. Characters:
Bailiff: Call Fred Gitelman!
(voices sing out the name several times)
Judge: Oh, shut up!
Bailiff: (to publisher) You are Fred Gitelman?
Fred: I am.
Bailiff: You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of September, 2004, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice of forethought, publish online an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?
Fred: Not guilty.
Bailiff: I quote on example. The Hungarian phrase meaning "Can you direct me to the tournament area?" is translated by the English phrase, "Please fondle my bum."
(if I do more I may be banned from these forums so I shall stop here)
